Is Selfishness Creating a Problem in Your Relationship?

In a world where entitlement rages, it’s no wonder selfishness creeps into many areas of our lives. While we’ve all heard stories of entitlement in the workplace, we do well to remember that our personal lives are no less exempt from the struggle of serving self. If we’re assuming life should be easy all the time, rainbows greeting us at every turn, we’re sure to be disappointed. Relationships require work — work our selfish selves may be less than excited to do.

Selfishness at its core is the antithesis of generosity — a cornerstone component of any healthy relationship. Unselfish people look for ways to make other’s lives better, richer, and fuller — not smaller. Unselfish people seek to share life with their partners instead of forcing their relationships to suit personal desires alone.

What are Some Examples of Selfish Behavior in Relationships?

1. Do you exclude your partner from decision-making? If so, explore the reason behind your unwillingness to share in life decisions. As uncomfortable as it is to admit, control could be the cause. Once you choose to enter a partnership with another person, you give up the right to act independently of one another. You’re free to let the world revolve around you, but don’t be surprised if you end up alone by refusing to let your partner share in decision-making that affects both of your lives.
2. Do you consistently make plans that cater to your own wants and desires? When is the last time you planned a night specifically for your partner? A healthy relationship is one that allows for both of you to explore common and uncommon tastes and interests. Open your mind, and embrace change. You might even have fun along the way.
3. Do you constantly seek to mold your relationship in your own image, or are you open to changing and learning from your spouse? Thriving relationships require give and take from both partners. If you find yourself continually seeking to change the behavior of those in your life, there’s a good chance you’re frustrating everyone around you — including your spouse. Take an honest look at your actions. Do you always push change on others while you stay the same?
4. Do you keep secrets? Secrets big and small can damage a relationship. Secrets about spending, plans, emails, mistakes, etc., will eventually bleed a relationship of all health. One secret is too many. Tell it all. If you’re harboring secrets it’s time to do some serious searching within yourself. What are you afraid to tell? Why are you hiding?

A healthy relationship is a generous relationship, which includes:

• Giving
• Sharing
• Compromise
• Flexibility
• Selflessness (Hint: birthdays and Christmas are only a start)

Where do you go from here? It’s time to talk about it, and here’s some inspiration to get you started.

Conversation Starters for Problem Areas:

1. When you make decisions without consulting me, I feel devalued and unimportant. I need to feel like my voice is heard in our relationship, and when you don’t talk to me before making decisions, I feel powerless and frustrated. I don’t want to feel like I’m being controlled. I want to feel like I’m in a partnership.
2. When you make plans without considering my interests and desires, I feel unimportant to you. I need to feel valued, seen, and heard in our relationship. I would love to share some of my favorite places and interests with you, so we can be more connected.
3. When you try to change who I am, it makes me feel like you don’t love me for who I am. I believe it’s important to grow and change for both of us — not just me. I’d love to learn how to grow and change together instead of feeling like I’m your side project.
4. When you keep secrets from me, it makes me feel unsafe. I have a hard time trusting you when you keep even small secrets from me. Why do you feel like you can’t share your life with me? How can we stop this behavior from damaging our relationship? Are you willing to stop keeping secrets?

Relationships built on selfishness may not be doomed to fail, but neither are they destined to flourish. Do the hard work of truly sharing your lives together. Is it easy? No. All the best parts of our lives require work — no matter what the internet says.

But is it worth it? Yes.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. – Philippians 2:3

When Life is Stuck in the Valley and Your Relationship Feels Distant

Life is a mix of valleys and mountaintops.

Life is gut-wrenching one minute and exhilarating the next.

You’re on top of it all — unstoppable and unbreakable, and suddenly, you’re on a merry-go-round that won’t stop, holding on for dear life as the winds of life push faster and faster.

Life is hard — even cruel — sometimes.

Since 2012, we’ve experienced some of the highest highs and lowest lows as a family. Both of our children have experienced serious struggles both physically and emotionally since our move to the Cincinnati area. Every parent knows the sting of helplessness, watching a child struggle with no ability to make it better. It’s awful.

We’ve sat and cried with our children over long-term illness and emotional stress that’s taken its toll physically as well. We’ve prayed and talked and gone to the appropriate professionals as needed, but the truth is the road for both of my children has been long and winding and a little dark at times with no quick fixes to be found.

Why am I telling you this? Because I know we’re not the only ones who’ve experienced hardship. We’ve watched friends and family experience loss in many forms: death, divorce, unemployment, etc.

Life is a mix of valleys and mountaintops, and the whiplash of disparate experiences can take a toll on your relationship.

When your personal merry-go-round spins faster and won’t let you off, one of two things can happen to your relationships:

1. You and your partner grow closer together.
2. You and your partner grow farther apart.

Steven and I have been really tired at times throughout our family struggles. We haven’t always agreed on the proper course of action to take with our children. We’ve had some hard conversations, and it’s tempting to pull away when we’re scared and hurt and tired.

But we have also done the hard work of not giving up — which is sometimes a daily choice — of reaching for one another in the darkness.

Sometimes it’s as simple as taking a walk together when we’d rather zone out in front of the TV. Other times, it means we binge-watch to give ourselves a break from the stress of life.

Sometimes it’s speaking truth to the other’s fears, so we can snap ourselves out of the haze of deception. Other times, it’s watching Brian Reagan with the whole family to remind ourselves that fear is a bully and laughter can exist even when we’re walking through the valleys.

Maybe it means listening to the advice of friends and family or completely ignoring it.

When the storms come, fight to stay present. Don’t check out. Remember feelings can’t be trusted.

The same choppy waters you’re navigating will turn placid again, but if you jump out of the boat? You’ll be alone with nothing but a lonely swim to shore waiting.

Fight through the fear. Reach for your loved one when they disappear into the darkness. Reach with love and understanding instead of judgment and criticism. Put yourself in each other’s shoes and empathize.

The storms never last forever. Do everything you can to hold on to each while the thunder claps and the lightning flashes because it will pass, and you don’t want to be standing alone when the sun shines again.

What to Do:

When you’re afraid and defensive, take a deep breath before you speak. You might find that a hug accomplishes far more than a speech about your feelings. A simple I love you might accomplish more than another worn out diatribe.  

Listen and keep connecting even in small ways. Take a walk. Watch the sunset or sunrise, and remember that every season passes. Even droughts come to an eventual end.

Isaiah 43: 1-4 (MSG)

But now, God’s Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob, the One who got you started, Israel: “Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place, it won’t be a dead end—Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you: all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in! That’s how much you mean to me! That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back, trade the creation just for you.

Cheering for the One You Love

This is me.

This is also me.

This post is kind of about me, but it’s also about you and the one you love.

This childhood picture of me tells a story. The details behind that story aren’t essential, but their significance matters to me, and Steven knows it. He has listened to me talk about what this picture means, what it used to mean, and what it means for me now.

One thing I love most about Steven is that he never dismisses me. Ever. So when I show him childhood pictures of me and tell him what I believe God is showing me about myself both then and now, he gets excited with me instead of assuming I’m one small step away from traveling the world with this guy. (No offense, Jesus Man.)

 

In short, he cheers me on, and here’s an example of how he cheers me on.

Not long ago, he surprised me with a gift that signified all I’d been telling him about myself — about how I needed to shed parts of me that were broken and afraid and holding me back.

We’d been having conversations about how I let life change who I was in that childhood picture — a girl unafraid and barefoot who embraced life and loved every minute of it. The girl in that picture was full of excitement for each new day. She couldn’t wait to get outside and climb a tree or scale a jungle gym. She caught caterpillars and fireflies and roller-skated down neighborhood streets.

That was me.

I once lived to discover the possibility hiding in each day with a passion I’d since lost.

Maybe you can relate.

As life happened, I experienced tough times, and a heaviness crept close that I couldn’t shake. My heaviness became a dysfunctional best friend with whom it was time to part ways. I could feel God leading me back to my true self, back to that unafraid girl who was ready to take on the next challenge.

So, Steven came home from work one day, and he gave me this.

And, I cried.

I cried because he took all my words and listened to them. He heard me, and he took the time show me that he heard me. He found someone (Thank you, Chase Velarde!) capable of creating a visual inspiration to cheer me on my journey toward wholeness.

What did this picture say to me?

• “I hear you.”
• “I believe in you.”
• “I’m cheering for you.”

So, while my husband IS amazing, and I don’t mind shouting about his amazingness to the world, I am sharing this with the hope of inspiring you to be amazing to the one you love, too.

• We CAN create these moments for each other.
• We CAN listen to each other.
• We CAN inspire hope and cheer each other on as we journey through life together.

SO, What Now? 

Start here:

Listen to the one you walk through life with. Find ways to express your attention. Show your excitement. Believe in each other. Cheer for each other. Love each other.

And do it well.

Reflection:

Think about conversations you’ve had with your spouse.

• What has he or she been saying?
• What has he or she been feeling?
• What does he or she need?
• How can you support him or her?

Now do something.

Anything.

The important thing is to impart empathy and affection and connection. The goal is to express:

• You are present.
• You are listening.
• You care.

Ready? Go, and try it out!

*Be sure to come back and share how you found a way to cheer your partner on. We’d love to hear all about it.

Words for My Steven

When my eyes met yours, your lips curled into a restrained smile I can still see forever etched in my brain. Your eyes lit up, and my heart did, too, because you were my gift. You’d been sent to save me, to see me, to know me, to love me like no other had.

And you did.

You jumped into loving me with all you have as it if were your only job, and you’ve done it fiercely and completely and without reserve for every moment, second, and minute of every day.

How you do it I don’t know except for the grace of God giving you strength to love me as a sign to me I’m not forgotten. I’m never alone. I don’t have to earn God’s love or your love.

It just is.

Your love has covered me like a blanket on a cool day, and it has sheltered me from life’s storms. Yes, you cover me. When days are hard and when life weighs us down, you push through all that tries to separate us, and you pull me to you, refusing to let space divide us.

You continually choose to serve me, to give of yourself in a way that seems superhuman, and in a way, it is because only God could give you that kind of love to share.

So, on this day, I celebrate you and the gift you are to me, to our children, and to the world. You are the kind of person who inspires poems and songs, and somehow I’ve been blessed to share my life with you.

Thank you, my love, for choosing me. I am thankful for you.

I love you, and I always will.

Happy Birthday.

L.

The Emotional Affair: When Sex isn’t the Only Infidelity in the Room

Infidelity gets people talking faster than almost any other topic. A couple who’s been married for ten years and still divorces due to unfaithfulness strikes a chord in us all (a moment of silence for Ben and Jen, please).

What happened? How did things go wrong? Who’s to blame?

Could it happen to us?

Sure it could.

According to the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, in 41% of marriages, one or both partners admitted to emotional or physical affairs. Surprised? You shouldn’t be.

Nothing happens in a vacuum, and our choices always lead us to a specific outcome. The shock of infidelity sends us reeling, but the truth is, most people don’t meet a stranger and hop into bed with them. No, infidelity is more often the sum of a series of tiny decisions that culminate in an affair.

Speaking of which, what constitutes an affair?

Affairs don’t automatically equal sexual relationships. Emotional affairs are just as damaging (some would even say more so) as physical affairs. In this brave, new world in which almost every person has more than one social media account (not to mention more than one way to keep those accounts hidden), it’s a wonder the percentage isn’t higher.

Is there hope?

Of course there’s hope. But in this case, where there’s hope, there’s work.

Ask yourself a few questions:

1. Are you and your partner transparent when it comes to social media?
2. Do you have any secret accounts?
3. When an old flame or friend contacts you, do you share that information with your partner?
4. Do you experience a mild (or not so mild) sense of panic when your partner grabs your phone?

If any of your answers give you pause, it might be time to rethink your online habits.

Easy Fixes to Try:

1. Talk. To each other.
2. Ask non-accusing questions. “I feel like a distance has grown between us, and I want to fix it,” is better than, “Why have you been so distant lately?”
3. Answer questions honestly. Doing so will help to create a trusting environment conducive to open sharing.
4. Don’t hide information from your partner.

However, if one or both of you is resistant to sharing, consider tackling secrecy issues with the help of a counselor.

Remember:

Nothing in the digital age is ever really done in secret (Hello, Ashley Madison!). You’re fooling yourself if you think you won’t eventually get caught. Rekindling an old friendship can be fine as long as boundaries remain in place and you’re open with your partner about the relationship.

If you feel tempted to hide your behavior, chances are good you’re headed down a dangerous road. Don’t let a bunch of tiny texts, emails, and instant messages lead you straight into infidelity  — emotional or otherwise. Choose open and honest communication instead.

Amy L. Sullivan and the Gutsy Girls Series Launch

Any woman who’s had a mean girl experience (even as far back as those junior high days) can attest to the potential pitfalls inherent in bonding with women. I still struggle in my relationships with other women sometimes.

So when you find women working to spread love and encouragement to other women and girls? It’s hard not to get excited about that kind of positivity.

One woman who is working to encourage women and girls just so happened to be around in my life when mean girls also swarmed. This girl picked me up when their words crushed me, and we realized early on that life would be bigger than junior high drama and prank calls.

Fast forward to a life where junior high is a distant memory, and Amy L. Sullivan is promoting a message of strength with her #StrongGirlsCan and #Raising Girls campaigns. Her new project, Gutsy Girls: Strong Christian Women Who Impacted the World, is a book series for young girls to empower them on their journey to serve others. Book one in the Gutsy Girls series is about Gladys Aylward, an unlikely missionary to China.

Readers will journey with Gladys as she discovers her purpose while also learning that no one is too ordinary to serve. In a world where women are still pitted against each other or boxed into specific categories of service, the Gutsy Girls series will help young girls realize their strengths instead of their limits.

If you’ve got a youngster in your life, the first Gutsy Girls book goes live this Monday, September 21, 2015. Mark your calendar, so you don’t miss out on the freebies Amy is giving away to those who preorder and order in the first few days of release.

Everything can Change in a Moment

Everything can change in a moment.

I’ve been thinking about this idea ‑ not in the context of getting some really great (or really terrible) news, but as it pertains to the way things go in married life.

It’s funny how one careless phrase, one untethered word, or even one wayward glance can (in an instant) ruin a meal or a day or a marriage. For me, it’s a terrible and daunting thing to think that what started as a joke in my head can turn into a weapon once the words leave my mouth.

Everything can change in a moment.

The good news is that truth works both ways. In a blink, we can wound and tear down and diminish, yes, but we can also in the very next moment heal and build up and add to.

We can follow up a comment we shouldn’t have made . . .

• “Why do you always?”
• “I wish i’d never”
• “You used to be . . .”

with one we should . . .

• “I’m sorry.”
• “Please forgive me.”

Looking back on our years together, I’m quick to remember all the times things went from zero to devastating in a matter of a few seconds or moments with foolish words. I do well, however, to also remember all the times things were made better by an apology, a hug, a quick and sincere admission of fear or doubt or anger or caffeine withdrawal (it’s a thing).

Everything can change in a moment.

Sometimes this truth hurts. Sometimes this is a heavy and hard reality of life together. But fear not, for just as quickly as a tear can fall, a smile can break, forgiveness can be sought, and forgiveness can be given. Hope can be reborn.

Love can live. Again.

Happy new year, from us to you.

– s.

Answers from Jen and Craig Ferguson: Pure Eyes, Clean Heart

We are pleased to introduce you to Jen and Craig Ferguson who recently wrote Pure Eyes, Clean Heart: A Couple’s Journey to Freedom from Pornography. I first met Jen through the blogging world, and she has been kind and gracious to me ever since. I am excited about Jen and Craig’s book because I know the intent behind it is to help couples find hope, and Steven and I are all about sharing hope.

While pornography and sex addiction are a growing reality in our culture, the topic is uncomfortable for many to talk about. So, where can you turn for help if you need it? Jen and Craig have been there, and they have bared their souls about their difficult journey to help others realize they are not alone. I had the chance to ask them a few questions about their new book, so enjoy getting to know them before you check out Pure Eyes, Clean Heart.

Jen, I feel like you’ve really chosen a tough subject to tackle in your first book. How did you and Craig find the courage to open up about such a personal struggle?

You know what’s interesting? I think I wrestled with God longer than Craig did when it came to deciding to write this book. It took me about ten minutes and it took Craig about five. Why? We just realized the amount of pain and shame we had worked through alone, and we didn’t want other people to experience that same journey. There are very few people willing to talk about porn – much less addiction – in the church. But hiding it all only gives more power to the shame, and subsequently, the enemy.

Did we have a time of anxiety about what people would think? Yes. But we both knew this was something God really wanted us to do. We had to let God’s voice speak more deeply and powerfully into our lives than the anxiety and worry.

Craig, are you afraid people will view you differently now, and did you worry about what others would think once they read your book?

I thought about that a lot as we were going through this process. I had the same questions you mention about how I would be perceived at work, church, among my friends, and by my family. It wasn’t a decision I entered into lightly. However, after prayer and reflection, I was left two choices. I could either give into fear and give up the idea of writing the book, or I could trust God and allow Him to work His will through me and the book. You can see which choice won out! I have a real peace about it now. I know that God wanted us to write this book. He wanted it to get published, and He will continue to be with us no matter what happens.

Jen and Craig, sex addiction is growing exponentially each year. Do you think there is hope, or do you think our culture is too far gone?

We believe that nothing is too big for God’s redeeming power. There is always hope, and we spell this out very clearly in the book because it’s spelled out very clearly in scripture, especially in Hebrews 6: 13-19.

Here’s a little excerpt from the book (pages 108-109).

“Our process of recovery is subject to human nature (i.e., sin). But God’s promise of hope is not. God’s character does not change based on our performance. This means that He will not change His mind about offering us hope. In fact, not only does He not change His mind, He has set it up so that He cannot. His perfect nature will not allow it. In Jeremiah 29:11–13, God says He knows the plans He has for His people, and He says, “… they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” In this passage, God is speaking to the Israelites who have been exiled from their land and held captive by a foreign king. God is promising them that despite their bleak situation and their lack of vision for how to get out of their current circumstances, He is going to bring them back home. Pornography is this foreign king holding your marriage captive, but God has plans to bring you back together to wholeness, for your home to be a place of safety. He gives you hope to hold onto until this deliverance becomes your reality.”

Jen, what would you say to the wife who is struggling alone right now even as she reads your words? What would you tell the person afraid to speak up about their secret struggles – whatever they may be?

Shame and fear will always fester in the dark. When we speak about our sin, we expose it to light, which means we expose it to Jesus (see John 8:12). In the book, we discuss why it’s important for both the husband and wife to be open with each other and be open with a safe group of people who will provide comfort, wisdom, and encouragement. The burden of pornography is too heavy to bear alone.

Craig, what would you say to the husband who feels trapped right now? How can you offer hope to the person who feels trapped in a cycle it seems impossible to break?

I would tell him first that he is not alone. Obviously, God is there and wants him to be healed. The first thing I would tell him is to pray. Jesus wants to heal us, but he won’t do it without our permission. Ask and receive.

Also, I would tell him that he is also surrounded by men who also struggle with pornography. We mention this in the book, but one of our greatest weapons against the enemy is the gift of speech. What gives pornography power is the inherent shame and secrecy that is associated with it. We need to talk about this. We need to bring it into the light and expose it.

Finally, I would encourage him to talk to his spouse. I would highly recommend that he be honest and open with his spouse. This is not a time to be timid! Be humble, open, loving, and patient. We have to allow others the time to grieve and allow them to help us.

Jen, can broken trust in marriage be mended?

Yes. It takes time, hard work, and a lot of surrender. When I first started confronting Craig with the porn issue, I spoke a lot in ultimatums like, “I’ll never be able to trust you again!” That then morphed into, “When you start following the rules, then I will trust you.” Finally, this turned to, “We’re both broken people who are trying to let God heal us. Let’s trust Jesus and see where we end up.” We need to remember that engaging with pornography is no worse than any other sin. As a society, we make a hierarchy for our sins, but in God’s eyes? A sin is a sin. It’s still separation from God. My attempt to control the situation was causing just as much separation from God as his porn use. I strapped on a label of “healer” that clearly was not my role. Once I was able to let go of control and let God lead this process, I was able to recognize where I could actually be helpful and not a hinderance.

Jen and Craig, why should readers pick up your book? How do you hope it will help them in their life journey?

In our book, there are no easy answers. There’s no quick fix. But what there is is hope. And two people willing to bare their souls and walk the path with them. We share how our relationship with Jesus is really the core of our healing as well as how the community around us is vital in keeping us healthy.

There’s also a lot of information – secular and theological – about topics every marriage faces: the intention and purpose of marriage, forgiveness, dealing with anger and control, and roles of each spouse. Even if your marriage isn’t threatened by porn, it might be threatened by another addiction. You can apply some of the same strategies we used to your own personal situation.

Thank  you so much for your time, Jen and Craig! If you’re interested in reading more from Jen and Craig, be sure to pick up Pure Eyes, Clean Heart. You can also take a look around Jen’s site, The Soli Deo Sisterhood, for tons of inspiration on everything from adoption to grieving.

Jen Ferguson is a speaker and host of an online women’s community called Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood. Craig Ferguson is a manager at a consumer electronics corporation and the involved father of two little girls. Craig and Jen reside near Austin, Texas, where they are happily married and thankful for God’s ongoing work in their lives.

Bring the noise …

Hey everybody. Just a few points of interest from us to you:

First, there have been some inquiries about a hardcover version of our book, and it’s coming. The process is a bit more involved than what’s required for an ebook, so bear with us. But it’s coming. Brace yourselves.

Second, our book is still totally and completely and wonderfully available for purchase over at amazon. We’d love for you to go buy a copy, and then buy one for your friend, and then feel led to buy one for your pastor, and then have your pastor feel led to buy a copy for everybody in your church, and then have your local news do a story on how every marriage in your church – nay, your community! – has been saved, and then do a quick spot on Ellen and then have her give away a copy to everyone in her audience, and then have like 30 million people buy our book and then have people call it “the Harry Potter of marriage books” (though i don’t know what that would even mean) and then take the royalties from all that and go live at disney for a year…

But,  even more than all that, we would love it if you or someone you know (or someone you don’t know) could be helped a bit by reading about where we’ve been and how we got to where we are. And so to that end, we’ve put our book on Noisetrade which means you can download it for free, and then point other people to do the same. [The site will ask you if you want to leave a tip, and if you do then great (God said for every $100 you give you’ll have ten extra years of good health.) (No, he didn’t.), but if not that’s totally fine, too.]

And last, we just want to say that in a world where the tools for creative distribution are becoming more and more egalitarian, we know you’re asked to watch/read/comment/share something every 1.2 seconds. And we know that can get old. Thanks for being patient with us and allowing us to intrude upon your day for even a second or two, and in all things,

be well… – s.